


It's like my mind's a broken record, make it go away

by darkabysses



Category: Hollywood Undead (Band)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, This Is Sad, This can be romantic or platonic, You Decide, broken record
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-20 06:30:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16131608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkabysses/pseuds/darkabysses
Summary: Well, I know I should be moving onBut I feel like I'm already goneNow if somebody'd hold me, save me fromThis broken record that's playing in my heart





	It's like my mind's a broken record, make it go away

Praying was his last resort, the last thing he always tried when he felt hopeless. He was drowning, his thoughts were dragging him in the darkest part of his mind and he couldn't breathe. He asked God to help him, to show him that he could make it, that he belonged somewhere; he needed only a little sign that he'd be okay. He did that for hours, until the pain in his knees became unbearable.  
He lay down on his basement's floor and covered his eyes with his hands. He wanted to give up on everything, his career, his friends, life, he couldn't make it anymore. He was just a burden, no one needed him and he was sure everyone talked behind his back. But who could blame them? He knew he was a prick, always attacking people because he didn't know how to be nice or give compliments. Tears started spilling from his eyes and a sob escaped his lips. He hated crying, it made him feel weak.  
  
_If I keep sobbing like a bitch, I'll need a mop._  
  
That thought made him smile. He dried his tears with the sleeve of his shirt and turned on his side, laying in a fetal position. His life was a constant rollercoaster; he had ups and downs on loop, he felt like shit, then he managed to lift himself up, hoping that maybe that time would be different, that maybe he could just be happy, but things never went like he wanted to, and before he knew he was dragged back into darkness. He tried to be a better person, he tried to do the right things, telling himself that he'd be okay, that he just needed to endure and keep going because he deserved to be happy, but it never worked. His mind was like a broken record.  
The door on the other side of the room opened and someone entered the room turning on the light, making him close his eyes and hiss in pain. He heard footsteps coming closer and a hand placed on his right shoulder.

____

\- Jordon, what are you doing on the floor? -

He didn't reply; he didn't want to talk, he wanted to be alone. He felt a hand stroking his cheek and he opened his eyes, he bit his bottom lip, he didn't want to cry.

\- Let's go back to sleep -

He got up and stared at his feet, he didn't have the courage to look at the other person. He shouldn't have seen him in that state. The man took his hand and slowly brought him up the stairs; he felt so bad, he surely worried him and he had to explain what happened. He didn't want to, he just wanted to disappear. He'd give anything to just erase his existence from everyone's minds, at least he would stop hurting all the people he knew. He was such a disappointment. They went to his bedroom and lay on his bed.

\- What were you doing on the floor? - the man repeated his question  
\- What are you doing here? Last time I checked this was my house, not yours -  
\- I just wanted to say hi -  
\- It's 3 am - he said glancing at the alarm clock that was on his bedside table - don't lie to me, George -

The older man gave him a sad smile.

\- I couldn't sleep so I decided to go for a walk and found myself in front of your house. I felt like something was out of place and maybe I wasn't that wrong. I have your spare keys -  
\- I don't even know why I gave them to you -  
\- Because you love me - George said wiggling his eyebrows

Jordon rolled his eyes but drew closer to him.

\- Any particular reasons why you couldn't sleep? -

The older man let out a sigh.

\- When I was a kid I had dreams and I was sure I would achieve them - he started explaining - I pictured a perfect life, I wanted to do so many things and I never doubted myself, but look at me now. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted. I have this anger inside me and I feel it growing every day a bit more. I'm angry at life, at people, but most of all at myself -

Jordon stroked his left cheek with his thumb and stared into those blue eyes he grew so fond of over the years. It hurt him to see him like that; he knew how painful self-hatred could be and he didn't want the other to feel that way.

\- I'm a mess -  
\- We both are. I feel so lost, like I don't have a purpose. I try to ignore these feelings I have but I can't stop any of these evil thoughts. I'm a burden and I feel guilty because I shouldn't feel like this. I have everything a person could ask for, but at the same time it's like I don't have anything -  
He felt tears forming in the corner of his eyes so he buried his face against the other man's chest. George kissed his head and drew circles on his back to help him calm down.  
\- You don't have to feel guilty for how you feel. This doesn't have anything to do with who you are or what you have. I know your brain makes you think that everyone hates you but it's not true, there are so many people that loves you even if you don't see it. I don't know where I'd be without you -

Jordon lets out a sob, his body trembling. George started humming a song, stroking the younger one's back until he stopped crying.

\- I'm sorry -  
\- You don't need to apologize. Life is hard, but if there's one thing I know, Jordon, is that we can count on each other. It's going to be hard but we can do it. Promise me that you'll call me whenever you feel hopeless, and don't think that you'd bother me because it's not true. I care about you a lot -  
\- Okay - Jordon said drying his tears - but you have to promise me to come here when you feel angry or sad, even if it's in the middle of the night -  
\- I promise - the older one said smiling - we should try to sleep now -

George wrapped his left arm around the younger one's waist and kissed his forehead.

\- Goodnight -  
\- Goodnight -

Jordon closed his eyes and took a deep breath; all that crying got him a headache. He knew he had to move on, he had to keep fighting, for his family, his friends, his fans, George, but especially for himself. It was okay if he didn't feel like he deserved it and that he could never make it, but he just needed to keep going. One day everything would fall into place. Everything would make sense. He wasn't alone, he had someone that cared for him, that was there to hold him and that would help him get up if he'd fall back down. And he needed to be there for George, giving him back all the support he received, because he deserved it too.  
  
They could do it; together they could fix the broken record that was playing in their hearts.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, it’s me again. Broken record is one of my favorite songs and life has been pretty shitty lately so I ended up writing this. At least we’ll have a new hu song soon and a new album in 4/5 months; little things that keep me going. Let me know if you like it and have a nice day!


End file.
